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Nothing like finding out somebody that’s been in love with you for a decade quit talking to you so they could get married. Even better when you find out over a month after the fact.
You remember that last conversation. You remember him asking if you were in it for the long haul, or if you wanted to back out. You remember yelling at him for trying to force your hand in a very precarious situation. You remember him asking you to say goodbye and realizing five minutes later that he didn’t say goodbye to you. You only remember the words coming out of your mouth and the line going dead. You remember thinking, “He’ll be sober tomorrow. He’ll be okay like he always is because, even after all this time, I’ve never left. He has to be okay.”
I honestly wish I was making this shit up. I could write an entire book of memoirs already and it would be amazingly jacked up and filled with absolute dramatic bullshit that you only find it plotlines to bad B movies. In the past year I’ve been through the most ridiculous situations and when I explain them to someone else, I hardly believe the words that are coming out of my own mouth.
We were still talking relationship shit about two months ago. He still wanted to be with me but his alcoholism was pushing me away. And of all the goddamned people to go running to, he went back to her. Her with the kid. Her with the pissy attitude and the manipulative ways. Her that he dated when he was sixteen years old.
Fuck’s sake, my parents even know who she is. My mom let out a horrified gasp when she found out that he married her. Yeah, that’s how you know I’m not fucking around here. I’m using phrases like “horrified gasp”.
As it stands now, I’m not sad that I’ve permanently lost him. To each his own and, really, if that’s what he truly wants, more power to him. I just wish that he’d done it out of love for her and not out of loneliness. I wish that he’d done it because he really wanted her and not because we couldn’t keep it together. I wish he wouldn’t just settle for what he’s been given instead of pushing for more.
And while I’m at it, ya know, I could wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which fills up faster.
I suppose that’s my answer.
